A meson of auditioning advice from an unexpected source, Maestro Kubrick's masterpiece Doctor Strangelove. Smashed by Lynn Meinhardt.

�It's a friendly call. Of course, it's a friendly call. If it wasn't friendly, you probably wouldn't have even got it.�
Answer that audition call. What have you got to lose?

�Is it possible that this is some sort of loyalty test?�
Have you ever been to an audition? 'Nuff said.

�There will be a ratio of ten women to one man.�
Make that a hundred men to one woman. Good luck, sisters.

�Survival Kit contents check: in them you will find one 45-caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four-day concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleepin' pills, tranquillizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; $100 in rubles; $100 in gold; nine packages of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings.�
Be prepared.

�Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a human being.�
Supers are usually cast by type and stature. Roles have been determined by hat size.

�Don't forget to say your prayers.�
It couldn't hurt.

�Have you ever seen a Commie with a glass of water?�
Brace yourself for fanciful premises from the director.

 �I am becoming less and less interested in what you believe is possible.�
Brace yourself for cutting comments from the director. 

�Well, I've been to one world's fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.�
Express your disdain for the director's ideas after the audition.

�You wanna know what I think? I think you are some kind of deviated pre-vert.�
Don't think about what you look like to civilians. You look darn silly. Embrace the humiliation.

�. . . and you were organizing some kind of mutiny of pre-verts.�
Bring friends, so you can watch them look silly, too, and then tease them about it later.

�Gentlemen, you can't fight in here: this is the War Room!�
Respect the rules of engagement in the audition hall, even if your impulse is to scratch out your colleagues' eyes.

�Lord, we have heard the wings of the Angel of Death over our heads from the Valley of Fear; you have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil . . .�
Imagine the sense of relief when it is over.

Because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday Machine is terrifying, and simple to understand, and completely credible and convincing.�
Resist the urge to dispute an unfavorable casting decision.

 �Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, all right?�
Have compassion for the Super Coordinator who has to contact the folks who don't make the cut.

�The prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead.�
If you are selected, for goodness' sake, get some perspective.

�You'll be wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.�
Don't reject a role because of the costume. This could be a loyalty test.

�Has he got a chance? Hell, yeah!�
Go for it. Your head may fit the hat.